Other Humor
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
A 7 year old
A 7 year old asks his Dad, "Dad can you do my homework for me so I can play more video games?
Dad replies, "no son, it wouldn't be right.
Son says, "that's probably true, but just do the best you can.
--- jamie famiglio, ardmore, Pennsylvania
Driver's Training
In driver's training, what's the first thing they tell you to do with your cell phone after you've been in an wreck?
Pick it up and say, "I'll call you back."
--- Nathan Kvinge, Houston, Texas
Projects
Don't start vast projects with half vast ideas.
--- Gerald Uhl, Port Orange, Florida
At the Last Supper
What did Jesus say at the Last Supper?
"Everyone who wants in the picture on this side of the table"
--- Mark Hummer, Savannah, Missouri
A Falling Star
Catch a falling star
And you’ll need hospitalization
--- Ken Redcap, Rochester, Michigan
Money
Money makes it easier to do the things you never had to do before you had money.
--- Ian Mannix, Talkeetna, Alaska
Friends
Friends are God's apology for giving us family.
No one
No one has ever said, "Pull yourself together.", to someone who was able to do so.
--- Mike Benjamin, Oakland Park, Florida
The Navajo Woman
A woman driving in Arizona sees an old Navajo woman walking and asks if she wants a ride.
The woman gets in the car.
Despite the driver's attempts to start a conversation, the Navajo remains silent, looking intently at everything in the car.
Then she asks the driver what is in the brown bag on the seat.
The driver says: It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband. The Navajo woman remains silent for a while and then responds:
Good trade.
--- Lorna Salzman, Brooklyn, New York
Pearls of Wisdom
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
Question
What do you call a red dance hall in Rio where the chorus line dances with snakes??
A vermillion Brazilian reptillian cotillion pavillion.
--- Michael S. Wimer, Pottsville, Pennsylvania
Perfect pitch
Perfect pitch: When you toss your son's guitar into the dumpster
and it lands on his amplifier.
--- William Bruner, Eldora, Iowa
The feeling
DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
--- Bill Kitterman, Louisville, Georgia
The IRS
Put THE and IRS together and you get THEIRS.
--- Allen Peterson, Rockford, Illinois
George Washington
>What did George Washington say to his men before crossing the Deleware River?
Get in the boat!
--- Mitchell McDonald, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Minnesotan's house fire
There was a Minnesotan and his house was on fire, so he called the firestation
and told them,
"Hey, my house is on fire." The fireman asked, "How do we
get there?"
and the Minnesotan said, "Don't ya'll still drive those big red
trucks?"
--- tom dadey, pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
LUTHERAN AIRLINES
WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin
experience. Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad;
16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da
safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce:
In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be
real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around
two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da
Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze
liddle masks on da rubber tubes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry
about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you,
we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving
across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.
In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da
Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins
as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say "trespass
against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day
may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da
way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God
had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side
of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front.
Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you.
Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset
and I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace:
Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost,
May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
He walks into a bookstore
So a Guy walks into a book store looking for an opinion and asks the guy behind
the counter, "Do you like Kipling?" and the the guys says, "I don't know...I've never Kipled."
This joke was sent in by Steve D. of Phelps, NY. Thanks Steve!
Episcopalian
From Robin Williams, who is an Episcopalian, on a recent HBO special.
Top Ten Reasons to be an Episcopalian:
10. No snake handling
9. You can believe in dinosaurs
8 Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them
7 You don’t have to check your brains at the door
6 Pew aerobics
5 Church year is color-coded
4 Free wine on Sunday
3 All of the pageantry…none of the guilt
2 You don’t have to know how to swim to get Baptized
And the number one reason:
1 No matter what you believe,
there’s bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you!
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON.
"AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL,
SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
the Psychiatrist
A Psychiatrist's receptionist alerted the Doctor: "A man is out
here who says he is invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now," said the Doctor.
tom dadey, pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Say
Say what you mean,
Mean What you say,
But don't be mean when you say it!
--- Kimberly Holderer, Long Branch, New Jersey
Christian One Liners:
Don't let your worries get the best of you:
remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.
Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly
mixed up and permanently set.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch
them - he'll clean them.
Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified,
he qualifies the called.
God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO.
I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER.
THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
Stage
All the world is a stage, and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
Fish
Q: Where do you find the most fish?
A: Between the head and the tail.
--- tom dadey, pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
The two elderly couples
The two elderly couples were visiting one evening. The men were in the living room
and the ladies were in the kitchen. The first gentleman was telling the second about
the wonderful dinner he and his wife had the evening before. The first gentleman says
"I just can't remember the name of the place." He continues "What's the name of
that beautiful red flower with the thorny stem?" to which the second gentleman replies "Oh,
you mean a rose." The first gentleman nods "Ahh yes..." and calls out to the kitchen
"Hey Rose, what is the name of the restaurant we had dinner at last night?"
Michael Duhr, Madison, Wisconsin
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID
TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE.
"NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD
CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER,
HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL..
HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID,
"I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"
Top Seven Church Oxymorons
7. Brief meeting
6. Pastor's day off
5. Early sign up
4. Clear calendar
3. Volunteer waiting list
2. Realistic budget
1. Concluding remarks
GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT,
AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
Why We Oppose Men's Ordination
1. Because man's place is in the army.
2. Because no really manly man wants to settle disputes otherwise than by fighting
about it.
3. Women would not respect men dressed in skirts.
4. Because men are too emotional to be priests. Their conduct at football matches,
in the army, at political conventions shows this, while their innate tendency to appeal to
force and violence renders them unfit to represent Jesus.
5. Because some men are so handsome they will distract women worshipers.
6. If the Church is the Bride of Christ, and bishops are as husbands to the Church,
all priests should be female.
Some more reasons " Why Men Should Not Be Ordained " from The MENNONITE
REPORTER, "Fly on the newsprint" by Ivan Emke (with acknowledgement for
inspiration to Rosemary Radfore Ruether.)
1. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as picking
turnips or de-horning cattle. It would indeed be "unnatural" for them to do other forms of
work. How can we argue with the intended order that is instituted and enforced by
nature?
2. For men who have children, their duties as ministers might detract from their
responsibilities as parents. Instead of teaching their children important life skills like how
to make a wiener-roasting stick, they would be off at some committee meeting or
preparing a sermon. Thus these unfortunate children of ordained men would almost
certainly receive less attention from their male parent. Some couples might even go so far
as to put their children into secular daycare centers to permit the man to fulfill his duties
as a minister.
3. According to the Genesis account, men were created before women, presumably
as a prototype. It is thus obvious that men represent an experiment, rather than the
crowning achievement of creation.
4. Men are overly prone to violence. They are responsible for the vast majority of
crime in our country, especially violent crime. Thus they would be poor role models, as
well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.
5. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus
his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinate position
that all men should take. The story also illustrates the natural tendency of all men to be
either unwilling or unable to take a stand. From the Garden of Gethsemane to football
locker rooms, men still have this habit of buckling under the weight of the lowest
common denominator. It is expected that even ordained men would still embarrass
themselves with their natural tendency toward a pack mentality.
6. Jesus didn't ordain men. He didn't ordain any women either, but two wrongs
don't make a right.
7. If men got ordained, then they wouldn't be satisfied with that; they'd want more
and more power. Next thing most of the Conference leaders would be men and then
where would we be? No. The line must be drawn clearly now before it's too late.
8. Many, if not most, men who seek to be ordained have been influenced by the
radical "men's movement" (or "masculist movement"). How can they be good leaders if
their loyalties are divided between leading a church and championing the masculist drive
for men's rights? The tract writers haven't pronounced on it yet, but the masculist
movement is probably profoundly un- Christian.
9. To be an ordained pastor is to nurture and strengthen a whole congregation. But
these are not traditional male roles. Rather, throughout the history of Christianity, women
have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more
fervently attracted to it. Women, the myth goes, are fulfilled and completed only by their
service to others. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination. But if men try to fit
into this nurturing role, our young people might grow up with Role Confusion Syndrome,
which could lead to such terrible traumas as the Questioning Tradition Syndrome.
10. Men can still be involved in Church activities, without having to be ordained.
They can still take up the offering, shovel the sidewalk, and maybe even lead the singing
on Father's Day. In other words, by confining themselves to such traditional male roles,
they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church. Why should they feel
left out?
Pearly Gates Story
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You
tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points
for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated
on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry
with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this; I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in
a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by
the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
Church Signs
• "Try our Sundays. They're better than Baskin-Robbins'."
• "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
• An ad for St. Joseph's church has two hands holding stone tablets inscribed with the
Ten Commandments. The headline reads: "For fast relief, take two tablets."
• "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
• "How will you spend eternity -- smoking or nonsmoking?"
• "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
• "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
• "In the dark? Follow the Son!"
• " This is a CH_ _ CH. What's missing? --------> (U R)."
• "Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."
• "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, hours are long, and the pay
is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!"
• "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here."
• "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
• "Free trip to heaven. Details inside!"
• "If you are headed in the wrong direction, remember that God allows U-turns."
• "Sign broken. Get the message inside on Sunday."
• When a singing group called The Resurrection said they couldn't make it, a sign
outside the church said, "The Resurrection is cancelled."
Your Dog
Be the person your dog thinks you are.
--- Lorelei Walker, Houma, Louisiana
Child
When they say a man has the mind of a child they lock him up;
Yet children are still allowed to run free in the streets.
--- Glenn T. Golmon, Cordell, Oklahoma
Gregory, age 5, said:
I only know the names of two angels: Hark and Harold.
Appropriate Dress
The Baptist church had a small congregation of very faithful people -
- all but one brother who had quit coming to church.
The pastor went to his farm, and asked him why he didn't attend anymore.
"Gee, Brother, I only have these coveralls and old boots,
and I don't want to come to the Lord's house dressed like this."
The pastor said,
"I've got a spare shirt, sports coat, slacks and shoes I'll give you
if you'll come back!"
The man agreed, and the pastor came back that afternoon with the clothes.
Next Sunday the man didn't show up again.
He went out to the farm and asked,
"I gave you all those clothes, why didn't you come to church?"
"Well, brother," the man said, "I got up and showered and shaved,
and I put on those neat duds, and I looked in the mirror.
I looked so durn good I went to the Episcopal church!"
[Thanks to Jack Dorwin, Livingston, Texas]
Peacemaking
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
a conflict.
A Picture of God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
[From Mikey's Funnies]
Fishing
There is a fine line between fishing and standing still.
--- Savannah Cliff, hamersville, Ohio
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my
VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I
m carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for
two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted
with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen
again
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a
good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every
week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one>night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental
pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him
to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.
Now what do I do?
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell"
assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to
share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My
name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name
is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a casserole."
The Annual Yard Sale
A local church is have its annual yard sale.
The parish preacher notices a little boy parking a lawn mower with some other items to be sold.
The precher ask, "Johnny, does the lawn mower work?"
Jonny says, "Yes sir, it works real good."
The preach pulls on the starter cord several times but the mower never started.
After ensuring there was gas in the mower's tank the preacher asked, "Jonny, is there a secret to get this mower started?"
Litttle Jonny said, "Yes sir, It may need some cussing and swaring."
The preacher said, "Johnny, I've been a preacher for more than 30 years.
I believe I forgot how to cuse and sware."
Johnny said, Well Preacher, after about 20 more pulls in that starter cord, it'll come back to you."
--- Kevin Hansen, Jacksonville, Florida
Three kinds of people
There are three kinds of people in the world - those who can count, and those who can't.
Brent Gschwend, Orem, Utah
There was a man
There was a man who spent his whole life accumulating financial wealth.
At the end of it, that was all he had.
--- Eric Todd, Charlotte, North Carolina
True Definitions
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Early
The early worm is for the birds.
The 12 Opossums
The following is from a lady in Oregon. It is priceless!
The Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined!
One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do
more than Baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their
time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid
background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them
pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This
assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case
you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church
students help you with his complete overview of the Bible, compiled from
their essays:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,'
but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give
me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the
Adam and made Eve. *
* Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they
were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important
people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a
ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.
He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have
to take a rain check.*
*After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel
Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten
commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm
not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about
the President).
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father
and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300
wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't
sound very wise to me. *
*After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on
the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we
don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close
the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a
matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus
on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He
just washed his hands instead. *
*Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold
in the book of Revolution.
There! Now you understand.
The new teacher
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!" after a few seconds, little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "do
you think you're stupid, little Davie?"
"no, ma'am, but I hate to see
you standing there all by yourself!"
--- Larry Ingold, Snow Camp, North Carolina
Turkeys
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
--- Mitch Kelly, Idabel, Oklahoma
A man speaks
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear what he says, is he still wrong?
--- Alison Crandle, Boston, Massachusetts
Having
What do poor people have,
rich people can never have,
that is greater than God?
Nothing.
The old Cherokee chief
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe,
eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many
years,
you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued,"Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied.
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes. No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did most of the work, Medicine man free.
Indian men hunted and fished all the time" The chief smiled, and added quietly,
"White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that?"
--- Robert Austin, Atlanta, Georgia
Stormy Night
It was a dark and stormy night, and the airliner was struggling thru the tempest.
The pilot came on the intercom and said: "It doesn't look good, we are going to try an emergency landing.
If any of you are religious, do whatever it is you do."
The Catholics set up a bingo game,
the Baptists passed the collection plate,
and the Episcopalians all ordered another drink and appointed a committee to look into the matter.
( I can tell this joke,I'm Episcopalian.)
--- Timothy Davis, Albany, Georgia
The Lord Will Save Me
A man crawled up onto his roof during a flood.
Another man floated by in a raft. "Need a lift?", he asked.
"No, the Lord's gonna save me,"the man said.
Another man drove by in a boat and said,"Need a lift?"
The man said,"No, the Lord's gonna save me."
Then a helicopter flew overhead. "Need a lift?" the pilot asked.
"No sir, the Lord's gonna save me" the man said.
The man eventually drowned.
When he got to heaven, asked the Lord,"why didn't you save me?"
The Lord said, "Look, I sent a raft, a boat, a helicopter - what more did you want??"
--- Sara Woodruff, Savannah, Georgia
So far today
Dear God,
So far today, I am doing fine.
I haven’t spread gossip or lost my nerve.
I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, selfish, or self-indulgent.
I haven’t whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any junk food.
I haven’t charged anything on my credit card.
But I will be getting out of bed in a few minutes, and I will really need your help then.
--- Wayne Johnson, Peoria, Arizona
Lead me
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
--- Tillie Arlett, Shangri La, New York
Just in time for dinner
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you.
I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner.
The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted.
Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."
--- Elaine Saum, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
The Senility Prayer
The Senility Prayer:
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to know the difference.
--- Joey Gonzales, Rosenberg, Texas
Links to Other Humor Sites
Letters to a pastor
Pretty Good Jokes, Religious
Pretty Good Jokes, Religious
Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh
Pretty Good Jokes, Religious
Pretty Good Jokes, Men and Women
Pretty Good Jokes, Pearls of Wisdom
Pretty Good Jokes, Pearls of Wisdom
Pretty Good Jokes, Pearls of Wisdom
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